I have nothing to write. I have nothing new to add to this topic
I do miss the loved ones that have gone. My lil sis, my cousin, it's been a few years now. I think of her a lot.
I never cried when I heard she passed. I never cried at the funeral. I still haven't cried.
It still doesnt feel real. Its more like "I haven't seen you in so long" feeling. My mind says it's because I havent travelled in a while.
Sometimes at random, I feel like something is missing. Yeah, my cuzzin hasn't called in a really long time. I remember it's not the phone calls that are missing. She's missing.
I'll come across her photo and see her face. I don't feel grief. I don't feel that pain in the heart. Aren't we supposed to feel that pain?
I used to talk to her in my mind. Tell her what I was thinking, what everyone was up to, like our ususal phone call.
I don't do that anymore.
Sometimes the sense of reality breaks through the fog. I realize she is not here anymore. It's a lil shocking at first, then the familiarity of "gone" hits, and I move on.
I've been looking back on my life lately. Maybe I'm going through my mid-life crisis as they say. Everything, every memory, seems fresh as a memory from last month.
I have no life. I don't do the things I used to. I am a recluse. I've always kind of been a recluse.
But it was this past week where I thought "what the hell am I doing?!" I laugh. I am fine the way I am living but what the actual fuck.
Maybe I'm retracing my steps as to how I got here. Cramped up in my apartment with my cat who seems really bored.
I think I shut down when she passed away. I stepped right out of life. I closed myself off to the experiences of life. It's like when your alone - you can't get hurt.
Everything can just be a dream again. If your physically not there to make more memories then it won't hurt so much in the end.
I didn't even realize that it wasn't just my mental health....it was grief....compounded....a lifetime of grief.
Grief is tricky that way. I take solace in knowing that she is with her father somehow. I know somehow she will get to him. She has all the anwers she's ever wanted now.
In my heart, I really do feel like I will see her again. I don't want that for me right now though. I know she is watching over us.
I just felt the need to write it out. Clear my head of it. Release the grief a bit here and there.
The great thing about us is that we were so damn goofy that it left a lot of good memories. So she still has me smiling and laughing along.
I am still here. This life of mine is far from over. I know she would want us to keep going. Hell, we've all been through a lot already, ridiculous to give up on creating a life we all wanted.
So I will continue living. I will continue to create a life around me. I will always keep going. She has taught me that much.